God's amazing gifts through pain

Today in church we sang a song, the name escapes me but the chorus goes "oh, no, you never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no you never let go, Lord you never let go of me".

Seems typical, normal,  church song... I burst into tears,  crazy.... wiping tears from my eyes, keeping eyes closed with the hope of not being seen, tears.  Why?

I grew up in a family that had an absentee parent. He was a provider (at times), and when the moment moved him he would run from his responsibilities of marriage/parenting and find his escape with other women/families... with no apparent consideration to the others he was effecting. As an adult, I have no relationship with him. I tried desperately to find the relationship I wanted with him... he wasn't the man I expected him to be and was incapable of being that person... I wasn't and am not willing to put myself into a situation where my children will experience the heart ache I felt as a child.

So... backing up from that theraputic spew of unnecessary information... it hit me this morning, through that song that I, a kid who grew up knowing her birth parents... and having somewhat a relationship with both, experience abandonment issues. I ache for the loss of the parent I expected.to have and dont.... cant have. I have unnatural fears and assume my lack of attachment is my expectation that i am unworthy of true, long lasting love.  If you can be abandoned by your parent, why would the rest of the world (who aren't "forced" to love you) stick around? But God... God does, even when you're completely unaware of His presence in your life. He never let's go.

So, here I am... the adoptive mom of three amazing, beautiful, healthy little boys. I couldn't love them on any deeper of a level... they're my world. Obviously, I would never abandon them, and I genuinely believe the man I chose as my husband and their father would never walk away... yet, they still will likely, at some point,  experience the devastation of abandonment, because of the way we chose to parent through adoption.

I am grateful that if or when the day comes and their hearts are broken, full of questions, that God has prepared me to sit beside them, hugging them, and loving on them with the ability to say "I understand". As much as it sucks... and it does, I am grateful to have that pain to hopefully help my babies heal their hearts.

How amazing it is to look through the pain, the tribulations God puts in your life and see the amazing gift at the end, knowing He had this planned for you... for my kiddo's.... even in the moments that my own parents hadn't chosen my name. God knew. He knew...