While in a moment of silence and peace (which, btw, rarely occurs here with three very wild and loud boys) I decided to do some old school worship... something that I miss desperately. I loved, in my "youth", to throw on a song of praise and wail out with all my might to sing. While I'm aware that 11pm in the evening in a home with sleeping preschoolers/infant isn't the place to "wail", I desperately wanted to praise God for all He's doing in our lives. So... to my phone, in silent desire, I began playing youtube video's.
While searching for a song called "Remember Me", I pondered upon "Everything to Me"--a song about adoption, and how being placed for adoption gave the singer (Mark Schultz) "everything" he could ever have asked for... the song really is a song of thanks to his birth mother for giving birth and making the most difficult decision she could by giving him an amazing life. As an adoptive mom of two... I cry everytime I hear that song, with a grateful heart and also a hurt heart, because I can't imagine how difficult it was for my boys birth mothers to essentially walk away (they didn't appeal or fight the courts, which allowed us to adopt their amazingly beautiful little boys).
That led to the song "He's My Son"... which in theory would have made me think of how I'd feel if my son was sick--but in reality just left me praying that our newby wouldn't go into a situation of where he would have fear or pain due to situations that are out of his control. ..Which, of course, left me in tears and with a broken heart again. I pray that this little guy lives a forever life in a family that will safely love him in a healthy environment. He is such a precious and loving little soul.
I then saw a video of essentially just words from an aging parent to their child. It had requests for patience and love as the aging parent had for their child in their early years. ...it made me cry (and again, for my heart to ache) as I realize my grandparents, that I love so dearly, are coming into that stage of life. They will be leaving this world, and the idea of that is so painful, because I feel that I haven't had enough time with them yet.
So... here I am, blogging about how youtube is evil because it made me feel. Feel. Emotions... that I didn't want to feel, or experience, and had no real reason to up until I wanted to worship God.
Sometimes there is so much going on in the day to day life that you don't realize what is lying just underneath the surface. And, if tonight was any possible example of what all I have brewing under the surface of my world... I'm shocked that I can get dressed each morning! Hah.
So much going on, so little time to think/deal with it all... and honestly, at the end of the day, all I want is more time to enjoy and appreciate all that I had that particular day. I want to love the boys more and deeper and passionately than I do. I want to appreciate the people I have surrounded myself and my family with. I want to love more intensely than I already do... and I want to remember and endulge in those feelings and experiences each and every day.
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