Kicking myself, while down.

So,

I'm feeling like about the worst mother ever. I've been crying for nearly an hour--and for someone who's never had a problem with any substance beyond chocolate I feel I've hit rock bottom. Sadly, it's not even an issue that is what one would say "horrific", and the situation isn't one of that makes me cowar in fear or frustration. It's simply that I had, in my face, for over a year, a child who's been suffereing and I was too damn stupid to see it. For this, I want to beat my head into a wall--because I should have simply known better and faught harder.

I feel that I've failed him. I have said for the past few days/weeks about another non-related situation that "to raise a child you need more than love". Wow did God take that and smack me in the face with it. Mother dearest--you need to stand up, advocate, and fight like the dickens for your babies... cause nobody else will. I just want to scream at myself "Stand up, be a mother!!".

Really... I shouldn't be crying so hard. People have dealt with and lived through so much worse than this. But the truth of it is just that I'm scared, ignorant, and disappointed. I'm glad we're moving forward with knowledge and working towards a better future for our kiddo(s), but in the same respect... it should have been done a long while ago.

Now, I simply have to let this feeling go. I have to go from today, advocate, and fight. I need to learn. I need to educate. I need to be my kids mother and demand better for them--through myself, our families and friends, and therapists.