Laughs and Tears

Children help you to realize so much that you had no idea existed.  We've learned about pictures that were hung too low (as they're ripping them off the wall), furniture arranged badly (because typically, a couch wasn't intended to be a trampoline, right?), gates hung too high (we're preventing them from entering a room, not teaching them to limbo, I think), you know--lessons.  And surely, it shouldn't have surprised me when I learned my latest lesson...

I shop too much.  (Or is the lesson that my son is too aware of what's going on in his little world?)

It was a rare evening when I was out, shopping, with one of the two baby-monsters (the other being in the cart with my mom, on the other side of the store--YAY).  Ironic as it seemed, Joel was in a great mood (whoo hoo--in his own words).  He helped to find toys, clothes, and other items to help us in our new journey to discover healthy sensory exercizes for him.  As we were lagging towards the cashier he began getting unruley, which was fine an hour into our excursion.  (Quite honestly, I'm shocked he made it that long).  As we got to the cashier stand I began encouraging our normal pattern of Joel putting the items that he can pick up onto the belt.  The employee was new, and I thought, "Great, hope this isn't going to take long".  As the employee was finishing our order I handed Joel my card and figured he would hand it to the cashier.  Boy was I wrong.  That big old toddler baby, stood up in the cart.  He then took the card and began searching for the area of the credit card machine to slide his card.  First on each side, then the realization that indeed it was up top.  He slid the card and picked up the pen to sign his two-year-old signature. 

So, Visa, Mastercard--Joel's ready to start stimulating the economy.  Where's his American dream?

...I think I may shop too often.  While some parents are teaching their kids the A,B,C's I'm teaching my children how to shop and spend money. Great parenting :P

In addition to that, last week while we were walking down the hallway (okay, more like I was walking down the hallway giving my back a workout carrying my galoof of a toddler), Joel looked at a picture of a friend of mine, myself, and a member of a band I enjoy.  He pointed to the band guy and yelled "Daddy".  ...Daddy then yelled "Your Mother wishes!!"  hah.

And, we can't leave out poor little Kaeden, now can we?

Kaeden is suspected of battling the same condition as Joel.  We're not completely sure, and it'll take more in depth evaluations to diagnose--however, one of the symptoms that was seen was his unending desire to talk.  Did I mention he's been talking since he was five months old?  He'd yell "I did it!" or "Daddy did it!" when he was mad about whatever was effecting him at that time.  It was comical--and a bit of relief for me, the mom, because I'm aware that once they can comprehend, I'll be the cause of all emotional and mental damages.

Anyhow, getting back to his motor-mouth activity... one morning when Kaeden woke up earlier than Joel I brought him into our room so he could bounce on the bed and watch some television.  During that time my mom (his favorite person in the world) called.  I let him talk to her (not an abnormal occurance) and relinquished rights to my phone for what I anticipated would be two minutes or so.  After watching an entire dvr'd program (30minutes) I asked Kaeden if I could have my phone back, as I laughed myself silly.  He was laid down on my bed, feet up in the air dangling and such just taaaaaaaalking away.  Apparently a taste of what a teenage girl would be like? 

Just so you know, he's going to have a prepaid cell phone--I can't even imagine what those bills are going to be like.  Wowzers.

And, lastly.... while Kaeden was spending some morning time with his Daah hee (Daddy) he began pointing out his newest talent--"Hiy's" (points to eyes).  "No!" (points to nose). "Years" (Ears). "Mouf" (Mouth). "Teeh's" (Teeth).  I asked him where Daddy's hair was and he looked at his father, kind of in a confused manner.  He then turned to me and put his hands up in the air while he echo'd "All Gone".  ...and poor Dad thought he wasn't going to have a heartless comedian til the child was a teenager.  Hah.

Edited to add:

While I had fallen asleep last night quite late (after the computer shut itself down mid-posting this) I was disheartened when I heard Joel awaken at 3:30am.  I can't say I blame him seeing as how he hadn't waken up since his nap the prior afternoon (essentially he went to bed at 6pm, and was waking up 9 hours later).  I went into his room to change his clothes and attempt to coax him back to bed.  I brought some chocolate milk, changed his diaper and clothes, and gave him some snuggle time.  He then crawled back into his bed.  I pulled his blanket up to his cheek and he took his sippy cup out of his mouth just long enough to say "Thank you Mommy, Love You".  ...tears of joy.  I so love those little boys :)

Kicking myself, while down.

So,

I'm feeling like about the worst mother ever. I've been crying for nearly an hour--and for someone who's never had a problem with any substance beyond chocolate I feel I've hit rock bottom. Sadly, it's not even an issue that is what one would say "horrific", and the situation isn't one of that makes me cowar in fear or frustration. It's simply that I had, in my face, for over a year, a child who's been suffereing and I was too damn stupid to see it. For this, I want to beat my head into a wall--because I should have simply known better and faught harder.

I feel that I've failed him. I have said for the past few days/weeks about another non-related situation that "to raise a child you need more than love". Wow did God take that and smack me in the face with it. Mother dearest--you need to stand up, advocate, and fight like the dickens for your babies... cause nobody else will. I just want to scream at myself "Stand up, be a mother!!".

Really... I shouldn't be crying so hard. People have dealt with and lived through so much worse than this. But the truth of it is just that I'm scared, ignorant, and disappointed. I'm glad we're moving forward with knowledge and working towards a better future for our kiddo(s), but in the same respect... it should have been done a long while ago.

Now, I simply have to let this feeling go. I have to go from today, advocate, and fight. I need to learn. I need to educate. I need to be my kids mother and demand better for them--through myself, our families and friends, and therapists.