Today in church we sang a song, the name escapes me but the chorus goes "oh, no, you never let go. Through the calm and through the storm. Oh no you never let go, Lord you never let go of me".
Seems typical, normal, church song... I burst into tears, crazy.... wiping tears from my eyes, keeping eyes closed with the hope of not being seen, tears. Why?
I grew up in a family that had an absentee parent. He was a provider (at times), and when the moment moved him he would run from his responsibilities of marriage/parenting and find his escape with other women/families... with no apparent consideration to the others he was effecting. As an adult, I have no relationship with him. I tried desperately to find the relationship I wanted with him... he wasn't the man I expected him to be and was incapable of being that person... I wasn't and am not willing to put myself into a situation where my children will experience the heart ache I felt as a child.
So... backing up from that theraputic spew of unnecessary information... it hit me this morning, through that song that I, a kid who grew up knowing her birth parents... and having somewhat a relationship with both, experience abandonment issues. I ache for the loss of the parent I expected.to have and dont.... cant have. I have unnatural fears and assume my lack of attachment is my expectation that i am unworthy of true, long lasting love. If you can be abandoned by your parent, why would the rest of the world (who aren't "forced" to love you) stick around? But God... God does, even when you're completely unaware of His presence in your life. He never let's go.
So, here I am... the adoptive mom of three amazing, beautiful, healthy little boys. I couldn't love them on any deeper of a level... they're my world. Obviously, I would never abandon them, and I genuinely believe the man I chose as my husband and their father would never walk away... yet, they still will likely, at some point, experience the devastation of abandonment, because of the way we chose to parent through adoption.
I am grateful that if or when the day comes and their hearts are broken, full of questions, that God has prepared me to sit beside them, hugging them, and loving on them with the ability to say "I understand". As much as it sucks... and it does, I am grateful to have that pain to hopefully help my babies heal their hearts.
How amazing it is to look through the pain, the tribulations God puts in your life and see the amazing gift at the end, knowing He had this planned for you... for my kiddo's.... even in the moments that my own parents hadn't chosen my name. God knew. He knew...
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Glam, glamorous...
So many days I see my life and wonder how I ended up "here". Here usually consists of in the middle of some stressful meltdown or argument over control/power with a child who is 4 yrs old or younger. Somehow, in those days of weeping cries to God for the blessing of motherhood it seemed more glamorous.
I didn't anticipate that motherhood would be easy... I knew it would be work. I guess, I just never expected the level of neurological explosion my brain would desire to escape the constant nagging/begging/whining/bargaining these freeloaders expel into my world. ...digression again, this, is a never ending state of complaining (and, as the example my children model themselves after, I wonder why they whine).
Comedy... where for art is thou now that they age?! As babies they'd do crazy things and immediately I'd think "blogworthy!". Blogging is now one of the last things on my mind. They say and do things randomly, but not to the insane levels of the past (either that, or I lost my sense of humor at some point). The older fellas are becoming these little people... they have thoughts and feelings and they make sense (occasionally) and it's fun and frightening to be a part of daily. They're both "in" school, and they hate that. Today (day 2) I was informed that school isn't their thing - it cuts into playtime. ...and since they're such intelligent kids, I should roll with it, right?
Hah.
And the baby, oh this baby. He's amazing and sweet and adorable and fun and he still loves me with nearly all he has. He hasn't discovered yet that I'm the evil ruler of the house. ...I anticipate his one day hatred and desire to overthrow management as well, as he does do and follow all that joel and kaeden do.
So, for now... I remind myself to look and think "how did I get here?" And remember that it was a lot of hard work... a lot of sacrifice... a lot of prayer and dependence upon God... and, compared to life before and the expectations there were; this is far more fulfilled and amazing and well... challenging. But, what outcome is as sweet when the fight to receive it isn't so hard?
Enjoy the laughter. Kiss the tears.
Relish the joy, embrace the fears.
Hold the moments, they readily pass
The days are long, but the years so fast
One day you cry with frustrations pain
But tomorrow's joy is never the same
I didn't anticipate that motherhood would be easy... I knew it would be work. I guess, I just never expected the level of neurological explosion my brain would desire to escape the constant nagging/begging/whining/bargaining these freeloaders expel into my world. ...digression again, this, is a never ending state of complaining (and, as the example my children model themselves after, I wonder why they whine).
Comedy... where for art is thou now that they age?! As babies they'd do crazy things and immediately I'd think "blogworthy!". Blogging is now one of the last things on my mind. They say and do things randomly, but not to the insane levels of the past (either that, or I lost my sense of humor at some point). The older fellas are becoming these little people... they have thoughts and feelings and they make sense (occasionally) and it's fun and frightening to be a part of daily. They're both "in" school, and they hate that. Today (day 2) I was informed that school isn't their thing - it cuts into playtime. ...and since they're such intelligent kids, I should roll with it, right?
Hah.
And the baby, oh this baby. He's amazing and sweet and adorable and fun and he still loves me with nearly all he has. He hasn't discovered yet that I'm the evil ruler of the house. ...I anticipate his one day hatred and desire to overthrow management as well, as he does do and follow all that joel and kaeden do.
So, for now... I remind myself to look and think "how did I get here?" And remember that it was a lot of hard work... a lot of sacrifice... a lot of prayer and dependence upon God... and, compared to life before and the expectations there were; this is far more fulfilled and amazing and well... challenging. But, what outcome is as sweet when the fight to receive it isn't so hard?
Enjoy the laughter. Kiss the tears.
Relish the joy, embrace the fears.
Hold the moments, they readily pass
The days are long, but the years so fast
One day you cry with frustrations pain
But tomorrow's joy is never the same
Thursday, April 10, 2014
First Day of Spring
It's been a while... and I've attempted that sappy, sentimental "where has the time gone, we're enjoying the day" kind of post... and deleted it... several times.
Yesterday:
It was an interesting one. Good, but interesting (as they all are).
I bribed Joel to go to school, citing that tomorrow (today) he wouldn't have to. He went. 'nuff said.
I threw Kaeden and Carter into their seats and went to do errands with my mom. We went to see new construction homes for her. Kaeden decided he likes her new home more than ours and asked where she was going to put his bed.
Carter threw a fit in Applebee's because an elderly woman took a balloon and didn't give it to him as he clearly yelled "ooh ooh ooooh" at her with his sweet, innocent chubby cheeks. I believe in his baby babble he cursed her out so viciously that she'll never pull that stunt again. He calmed as he discovered the helium tank blowing up his and Kaeden's balloons. He then stole Kaedens as well.
We arrived home. Joel and daddy were outside enjoying a beautiful day. I wondered why Joel wasn't on his power wheel, all to discover daddy forgot to re-install the charged batteries. I put the batteries in and realized that daddy was onto something--saving his lower extremities from being destroyed by large plastic cars and overanxious boys driving them.
I bbq'd dinner on the grill. Joel decided that we should all eat outside. The kids stayed IN THEIR SEATS at their picnic table. I decided we need one of those for in the house too.
We followed a very well eaten dinner with ice cream cones. While handing them out to everyone Carter apparently felt he wasn't being served fast enough (or worried he wouldn't get one) and had a fit, chasing me down screaming. When he got his, he smashed into it and screamed. He apparently didn't realize it was ICE cream. The cold gets him everytime. (and we all still laugh at his innocence).
The boys bathed after being outside and in the dirt and well, simply being boys... and went off to bed.
And then I remembered the peace that ensued before becoming a parent... as I do each and every night about 9pm. I enjoyed it until that moment of clarity that the peace I was experiencing was going to end as soon as the sun came up--and threw myself into bed at 1am.
It's now 8am. I've showered and parented for two hours, and I'm truly beginning to believe the reason I'm so tired is because of the reminiscent behavior that occurs each night from 8p-1a.
I should sleep more. Maybe, I should go try that now... before one of them sets fire to something or gets to fighting. ...cause that's going to happen.
Yesterday:
It was an interesting one. Good, but interesting (as they all are).
I bribed Joel to go to school, citing that tomorrow (today) he wouldn't have to. He went. 'nuff said.
I threw Kaeden and Carter into their seats and went to do errands with my mom. We went to see new construction homes for her. Kaeden decided he likes her new home more than ours and asked where she was going to put his bed.
Carter threw a fit in Applebee's because an elderly woman took a balloon and didn't give it to him as he clearly yelled "ooh ooh ooooh" at her with his sweet, innocent chubby cheeks. I believe in his baby babble he cursed her out so viciously that she'll never pull that stunt again. He calmed as he discovered the helium tank blowing up his and Kaeden's balloons. He then stole Kaedens as well.
We arrived home. Joel and daddy were outside enjoying a beautiful day. I wondered why Joel wasn't on his power wheel, all to discover daddy forgot to re-install the charged batteries. I put the batteries in and realized that daddy was onto something--saving his lower extremities from being destroyed by large plastic cars and overanxious boys driving them.
I bbq'd dinner on the grill. Joel decided that we should all eat outside. The kids stayed IN THEIR SEATS at their picnic table. I decided we need one of those for in the house too.
We followed a very well eaten dinner with ice cream cones. While handing them out to everyone Carter apparently felt he wasn't being served fast enough (or worried he wouldn't get one) and had a fit, chasing me down screaming. When he got his, he smashed into it and screamed. He apparently didn't realize it was ICE cream. The cold gets him everytime. (and we all still laugh at his innocence).
The boys bathed after being outside and in the dirt and well, simply being boys... and went off to bed.
And then I remembered the peace that ensued before becoming a parent... as I do each and every night about 9pm. I enjoyed it until that moment of clarity that the peace I was experiencing was going to end as soon as the sun came up--and threw myself into bed at 1am.
It's now 8am. I've showered and parented for two hours, and I'm truly beginning to believe the reason I'm so tired is because of the reminiscent behavior that occurs each night from 8p-1a.
I should sleep more. Maybe, I should go try that now... before one of them sets fire to something or gets to fighting. ...cause that's going to happen.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Sharpies and possession and pretzels... oh my!
I read something on the internet that was profound to me. A mom, of four boys, who committed to not yelling for a year. A year folks... a YEAR?! I can barely get through a day with my preschool, selective hearing, rambunctious, destructive TWO boys without yelling... (and if that was to ever happen, I'd likely be drunk--and I'm not a huge drinker).
Something that most people don't know about me is that I have very little faith that I'll follow through with most everything. I suppose I get sidetracked by my tv, zone out, whatever... so I decided I would try the tactics that the article I read advised for a week. (a year?! still scratching my head at that one). Ten minutes after reading the article the only thing I could remember was "before exploding say to yourself 'at least....' and finish that statement to minimize the action caused by the child(ren)". (paraphrasing there, btw).
Now--a week ago I hurt my back. How is a whole additional story that includes bootie shaking and a punch in the face that nearly knocked me down the stairs (I was punched--to clarify). I digress... So, I decided in a moment of quiet peacefulness to relax my back. Joel and Kaeden were watching tv on my bed in our room... I thought nothing of it. When Joel walked out with a shotglass I thought "this might not be a great idea?" and asked what he had. He instructed me that this black shot glass was a spiderweb. As he got closer I realized that it had been a clear shotglass that had black marker all over it, inside. And then I saw it... the culprit, the danger, the epitome of all that is bad in the world of a mom of preschoolers... the dreaded sharpie (permanent marker). And, at that point... I realized that the shotglass was not the only object of the sharpie's affection. Joel was covered in sharpie marker...
This all would have been a "no harm no foul" moment, except that we had a picture appointment that afternoon.
Yeah. Seriously.
I scooped up his poor naked (yes, I know... we have a newfound love of nudity here) body and put him on the kitchen counter as me, my washrag, and my bath and body works pumpkin cupcake handsoap went to town on him. As I was washing his arms, his belly, and his face he sat smiling... and said so matter-of-factly "I drawed on my pee-pee momma". Indeed, indeed you did young son. Your father should be so proud. Indelible pubic hairs on my preschooler. Ugh.
Kaeden arrived shortly thereafter... or, should I call him "Presley, Kaeden Presley" as he had a new hairline and sideburns.
Lord, give me the strength... I need to make it through the preschool years to be rewarded with the school years. (oh the peace I fantasize will come with those years...)
And then it hit me "at least..." 1-at least they didn't draw on the walls or floors. 2-at least the soap and warm water was removing the ink from their bodies. 3-at least I have a blogworthy post to add to this very neglected site.
Then, after pictures at the mall, I decided we were doing well enough that we should be rewarded with the ever fattening mall food court. The boys decided on chicken and a burger... and then decided to retreat from all plans of actual consumption (because we do spend money on food just to look at it, throw it, complain about it, etc). After I finished eating I piled them into the cart I was able to "borrow" from Sears (I planned on using a mall stroller but that corral was broken). I said nothing, just bagged up their food and threw that into the cart with these two overgrown toddlers. Kaeden looked at me and quietly said "is you gonna yell mowma?" (I love the Boston accent these kids have). I responded "No, but I'm not the one who's going to be hungry either". --this story is important for the end of this post :)
After we left the mall, I had to run to Walgreens. I needed medication for my back. And, of course as Christmas is approaching and my kids are gaining in independence and awareness they want for all the toys that are displayed. Amidst the search for the on sale medication, I discovered that the boys had wandered away from the cart. As I walked to search I saw the Christmas wrapping paper aisle. There was a woman in the aisle with me as we both saw the box that held the rolls of paper begin to shake. She looked frightened, I was intrigued. Then, the bags of bows came flying off the hanger, followed by the gift tags. This poor woman stood, scared out of her mind, fearing that there was a ghost in Walgreens. She said so herself "this store is haunted!". It was after that, while standing utterly confused that I noticed the tip of a sippy cup. At that moment I realized--Walgreens was haunted by a ghost called Joel, and that I was doomed to be mortified. Shortly thereafter I heard "hewp momma, I is stuck!". Yes, somehow, Joel got in between the aisles and couldn't break free.
As we arrived home, Joel and Kaeden went into starvation mode and began begging for dinner at 4:30pm. Absolutely not... In strict "you should have eaten the lunch I bought" mode I informed them that dinner wouldn't be for a while so "sorry". They managed to get into the pantry and find a bag of opened pretzels. Joel, in his childhood hero mode was so enthused that he began screaming "I got da prehzuls Kayen!" and went running from the kitchen to Kaeden, in the family room. Problem there? He tripped over the threshold and that open bag of pretzels flew, hitting Kaeden, the baby, and every ounce of the freshly mopped/swept family room floor.
I smiled, and said "carry on" because ..."at least the floor was freshly cleaned". (but again, now the floor has to be cleaned again :( ).
I post this partially for the hilariousness that has become my parenting journey but also to say that when things don't go our way, we don't have to get hysterical and scream with the thought that our aggression and frustration should and needs to be voiced. Sometimes we (I) need to realize that my every word can effect these boys... and that I want a positive effect, not a negative one on them. I love them and want them to never question that. That isn't to say that I'm planning to ignore their bad behavior... but rather that I'm going to talk to them about it... and ask for suggestions on how to better those behaviors... and time out when necessary.
So... here's to another new parenting strategy that will probably last a few weeks, but I'll secretly hold the mindset that I'd love to continue this forever--as I've begun to enjoy my boys in a way I hadn't since before they began walking/talking. They're pretty funny little guys actually :)
Something that most people don't know about me is that I have very little faith that I'll follow through with most everything. I suppose I get sidetracked by my tv, zone out, whatever... so I decided I would try the tactics that the article I read advised for a week. (a year?! still scratching my head at that one). Ten minutes after reading the article the only thing I could remember was "before exploding say to yourself 'at least....' and finish that statement to minimize the action caused by the child(ren)". (paraphrasing there, btw).
Now--a week ago I hurt my back. How is a whole additional story that includes bootie shaking and a punch in the face that nearly knocked me down the stairs (I was punched--to clarify). I digress... So, I decided in a moment of quiet peacefulness to relax my back. Joel and Kaeden were watching tv on my bed in our room... I thought nothing of it. When Joel walked out with a shotglass I thought "this might not be a great idea?" and asked what he had. He instructed me that this black shot glass was a spiderweb. As he got closer I realized that it had been a clear shotglass that had black marker all over it, inside. And then I saw it... the culprit, the danger, the epitome of all that is bad in the world of a mom of preschoolers... the dreaded sharpie (permanent marker). And, at that point... I realized that the shotglass was not the only object of the sharpie's affection. Joel was covered in sharpie marker...
This all would have been a "no harm no foul" moment, except that we had a picture appointment that afternoon.
Yeah. Seriously.
I scooped up his poor naked (yes, I know... we have a newfound love of nudity here) body and put him on the kitchen counter as me, my washrag, and my bath and body works pumpkin cupcake handsoap went to town on him. As I was washing his arms, his belly, and his face he sat smiling... and said so matter-of-factly "I drawed on my pee-pee momma". Indeed, indeed you did young son. Your father should be so proud. Indelible pubic hairs on my preschooler. Ugh.
Kaeden arrived shortly thereafter... or, should I call him "Presley, Kaeden Presley" as he had a new hairline and sideburns.
Lord, give me the strength... I need to make it through the preschool years to be rewarded with the school years. (oh the peace I fantasize will come with those years...)
And then it hit me "at least..." 1-at least they didn't draw on the walls or floors. 2-at least the soap and warm water was removing the ink from their bodies. 3-at least I have a blogworthy post to add to this very neglected site.
Then, after pictures at the mall, I decided we were doing well enough that we should be rewarded with the ever fattening mall food court. The boys decided on chicken and a burger... and then decided to retreat from all plans of actual consumption (because we do spend money on food just to look at it, throw it, complain about it, etc). After I finished eating I piled them into the cart I was able to "borrow" from Sears (I planned on using a mall stroller but that corral was broken). I said nothing, just bagged up their food and threw that into the cart with these two overgrown toddlers. Kaeden looked at me and quietly said "is you gonna yell mowma?" (I love the Boston accent these kids have). I responded "No, but I'm not the one who's going to be hungry either". --this story is important for the end of this post :)
After we left the mall, I had to run to Walgreens. I needed medication for my back. And, of course as Christmas is approaching and my kids are gaining in independence and awareness they want for all the toys that are displayed. Amidst the search for the on sale medication, I discovered that the boys had wandered away from the cart. As I walked to search I saw the Christmas wrapping paper aisle. There was a woman in the aisle with me as we both saw the box that held the rolls of paper begin to shake. She looked frightened, I was intrigued. Then, the bags of bows came flying off the hanger, followed by the gift tags. This poor woman stood, scared out of her mind, fearing that there was a ghost in Walgreens. She said so herself "this store is haunted!". It was after that, while standing utterly confused that I noticed the tip of a sippy cup. At that moment I realized--Walgreens was haunted by a ghost called Joel, and that I was doomed to be mortified. Shortly thereafter I heard "hewp momma, I is stuck!". Yes, somehow, Joel got in between the aisles and couldn't break free.
As we arrived home, Joel and Kaeden went into starvation mode and began begging for dinner at 4:30pm. Absolutely not... In strict "you should have eaten the lunch I bought" mode I informed them that dinner wouldn't be for a while so "sorry". They managed to get into the pantry and find a bag of opened pretzels. Joel, in his childhood hero mode was so enthused that he began screaming "I got da prehzuls Kayen!" and went running from the kitchen to Kaeden, in the family room. Problem there? He tripped over the threshold and that open bag of pretzels flew, hitting Kaeden, the baby, and every ounce of the freshly mopped/swept family room floor.
I smiled, and said "carry on" because ..."at least the floor was freshly cleaned". (but again, now the floor has to be cleaned again :( ).
I post this partially for the hilariousness that has become my parenting journey but also to say that when things don't go our way, we don't have to get hysterical and scream with the thought that our aggression and frustration should and needs to be voiced. Sometimes we (I) need to realize that my every word can effect these boys... and that I want a positive effect, not a negative one on them. I love them and want them to never question that. That isn't to say that I'm planning to ignore their bad behavior... but rather that I'm going to talk to them about it... and ask for suggestions on how to better those behaviors... and time out when necessary.
So... here's to another new parenting strategy that will probably last a few weeks, but I'll secretly hold the mindset that I'd love to continue this forever--as I've begun to enjoy my boys in a way I hadn't since before they began walking/talking. They're pretty funny little guys actually :)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Boys, Love, and Time.
Looking back on the days when Joel was born, I remember saying to my cousin that I had no idea how she had the time, with two children to play Farmville. I too had been addicted to the game, but when my newborn son arrived... that game disappeared and thus began the life of late night feedings and screaming baby(s). Now as Joel is nearing that 4yr old mark... and Kaeden is a very chatty 3 1/2yr old... and the baby is a huge ball of adorableness... I realize--those days, they were filled with all the time in the world.
Kids change, and they do it in the blink of an eye. A year ago I complained and wished my life away. It was hard... no--beyond tolerable to deal with two young boys that were so loved that they were capable (still are capable) of driving this momma batty... Now, I look at these goobs and think "I remember when they were so much fun, now they're a chore, constantly." ...pretty sure I felt that way last year too. See, now though... they're silly. And, they know they're silly to boot. We run around saying "poopoo butt" and laugh ourselves into another level of goofiness. We hear a fart or burp and its instantaneous giggling. They, right before my very eyes, are turning into... dare I say it... boys. Real boys. Not babies... but boys. Icky, nasty, dirty, wild boys.
And I swear, I had no idea that the reason Joel was holding his dad's phone snapping pictures behind me as I wrote that was because he thought taking pictures of my very large behind was comical. I swear, that's totally just a coincidental motion to the post that I'm publishing.
AHHHH How did this happen?! Where did I place my receipt and how long is that exchange policy good for?
Ironically... as gross as they are (and trust me--as I've witnessed some very disgusting things between these two) they're so amazing and wonderful and heartwarming.
A woman stopped me in a store recently and said 'aren't boys amazing?' ...after I picked my mind up off the floor where it shot out to, I heard her say "my son was always a snuggler, a lover. My daughter... not so much". It's true. They're just as loving and "snuggly" as they are nasty and disgusting. Only Joel can remind me how much I'm loved as I walk in the door and he screams on the top of his lungs "MOMMYS HOME!!!" And, only Kaeden can melt my heart the way he does when he climbs into my lap and says "Mommy, sing me my sowung (song) peese". ...still, three years later, we sing the song I sang to him in hopes and prayers that we would be able to adopt him and love him... forever.
As I began this, I will end this...
I never knew what it was really like not to have time. Because in this moment... today, I have no time. Dinner is calling, and as the reigning female of the house--it's my job to serve.
Ugh.
Kids change, and they do it in the blink of an eye. A year ago I complained and wished my life away. It was hard... no--beyond tolerable to deal with two young boys that were so loved that they were capable (still are capable) of driving this momma batty... Now, I look at these goobs and think "I remember when they were so much fun, now they're a chore, constantly." ...pretty sure I felt that way last year too. See, now though... they're silly. And, they know they're silly to boot. We run around saying "poopoo butt" and laugh ourselves into another level of goofiness. We hear a fart or burp and its instantaneous giggling. They, right before my very eyes, are turning into... dare I say it... boys. Real boys. Not babies... but boys. Icky, nasty, dirty, wild boys.
And I swear, I had no idea that the reason Joel was holding his dad's phone snapping pictures behind me as I wrote that was because he thought taking pictures of my very large behind was comical. I swear, that's totally just a coincidental motion to the post that I'm publishing.
AHHHH How did this happen?! Where did I place my receipt and how long is that exchange policy good for?
Ironically... as gross as they are (and trust me--as I've witnessed some very disgusting things between these two) they're so amazing and wonderful and heartwarming.
A woman stopped me in a store recently and said 'aren't boys amazing?' ...after I picked my mind up off the floor where it shot out to, I heard her say "my son was always a snuggler, a lover. My daughter... not so much". It's true. They're just as loving and "snuggly" as they are nasty and disgusting. Only Joel can remind me how much I'm loved as I walk in the door and he screams on the top of his lungs "MOMMYS HOME!!!" And, only Kaeden can melt my heart the way he does when he climbs into my lap and says "Mommy, sing me my sowung (song) peese". ...still, three years later, we sing the song I sang to him in hopes and prayers that we would be able to adopt him and love him... forever.
As I began this, I will end this...
I never knew what it was really like not to have time. Because in this moment... today, I have no time. Dinner is calling, and as the reigning female of the house--it's my job to serve.
Ugh.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
you tube, you are evil :P
While in a moment of silence and peace (which, btw, rarely occurs here with three very wild and loud boys) I decided to do some old school worship... something that I miss desperately. I loved, in my "youth", to throw on a song of praise and wail out with all my might to sing. While I'm aware that 11pm in the evening in a home with sleeping preschoolers/infant isn't the place to "wail", I desperately wanted to praise God for all He's doing in our lives. So... to my phone, in silent desire, I began playing youtube video's.
While searching for a song called "Remember Me", I pondered upon "Everything to Me"--a song about adoption, and how being placed for adoption gave the singer (Mark Schultz) "everything" he could ever have asked for... the song really is a song of thanks to his birth mother for giving birth and making the most difficult decision she could by giving him an amazing life. As an adoptive mom of two... I cry everytime I hear that song, with a grateful heart and also a hurt heart, because I can't imagine how difficult it was for my boys birth mothers to essentially walk away (they didn't appeal or fight the courts, which allowed us to adopt their amazingly beautiful little boys).
That led to the song "He's My Son"... which in theory would have made me think of how I'd feel if my son was sick--but in reality just left me praying that our newby wouldn't go into a situation of where he would have fear or pain due to situations that are out of his control. ..Which, of course, left me in tears and with a broken heart again. I pray that this little guy lives a forever life in a family that will safely love him in a healthy environment. He is such a precious and loving little soul.
I then saw a video of essentially just words from an aging parent to their child. It had requests for patience and love as the aging parent had for their child in their early years. ...it made me cry (and again, for my heart to ache) as I realize my grandparents, that I love so dearly, are coming into that stage of life. They will be leaving this world, and the idea of that is so painful, because I feel that I haven't had enough time with them yet.
So... here I am, blogging about how youtube is evil because it made me feel. Feel. Emotions... that I didn't want to feel, or experience, and had no real reason to up until I wanted to worship God.
Sometimes there is so much going on in the day to day life that you don't realize what is lying just underneath the surface. And, if tonight was any possible example of what all I have brewing under the surface of my world... I'm shocked that I can get dressed each morning! Hah.
So much going on, so little time to think/deal with it all... and honestly, at the end of the day, all I want is more time to enjoy and appreciate all that I had that particular day. I want to love the boys more and deeper and passionately than I do. I want to appreciate the people I have surrounded myself and my family with. I want to love more intensely than I already do... and I want to remember and endulge in those feelings and experiences each and every day.
While searching for a song called "Remember Me", I pondered upon "Everything to Me"--a song about adoption, and how being placed for adoption gave the singer (Mark Schultz) "everything" he could ever have asked for... the song really is a song of thanks to his birth mother for giving birth and making the most difficult decision she could by giving him an amazing life. As an adoptive mom of two... I cry everytime I hear that song, with a grateful heart and also a hurt heart, because I can't imagine how difficult it was for my boys birth mothers to essentially walk away (they didn't appeal or fight the courts, which allowed us to adopt their amazingly beautiful little boys).
That led to the song "He's My Son"... which in theory would have made me think of how I'd feel if my son was sick--but in reality just left me praying that our newby wouldn't go into a situation of where he would have fear or pain due to situations that are out of his control. ..Which, of course, left me in tears and with a broken heart again. I pray that this little guy lives a forever life in a family that will safely love him in a healthy environment. He is such a precious and loving little soul.
I then saw a video of essentially just words from an aging parent to their child. It had requests for patience and love as the aging parent had for their child in their early years. ...it made me cry (and again, for my heart to ache) as I realize my grandparents, that I love so dearly, are coming into that stage of life. They will be leaving this world, and the idea of that is so painful, because I feel that I haven't had enough time with them yet.
So... here I am, blogging about how youtube is evil because it made me feel. Feel. Emotions... that I didn't want to feel, or experience, and had no real reason to up until I wanted to worship God.
Sometimes there is so much going on in the day to day life that you don't realize what is lying just underneath the surface. And, if tonight was any possible example of what all I have brewing under the surface of my world... I'm shocked that I can get dressed each morning! Hah.
So much going on, so little time to think/deal with it all... and honestly, at the end of the day, all I want is more time to enjoy and appreciate all that I had that particular day. I want to love the boys more and deeper and passionately than I do. I want to appreciate the people I have surrounded myself and my family with. I want to love more intensely than I already do... and I want to remember and endulge in those feelings and experiences each and every day.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Embarrass yourself, I dare you!
It's been about three years since the last true newborn was in the house. Scary huh? You forget so much in those formative years... and while I'm no where near super mom, I definately feel that I do enough to slide by feeling successful (as I shoo the older boys out of the kitchen so I can blog, but I digress...)
When Joel and Kaeden were babies there wasn't a moment I wasn't fawning all over them... trying anything and everything to make them smile... to increase our bond, and I believe I achieved this (just ask my "they scream for you everytime you leave" poor husband). And... now with the addition of yet another "blue squad" baby... I'm off doing the same, bonding and being a goof. And it hit me this morning.... in the midst of the cries to God Almighty "Why, why me?!" (dealing with a lot of challenging testing behavior with the big boys) I thought... when was the last time you made a fool of yourself with Joel and/or Kaeden? When was the last time I got onto the ground and made MY dinosaur train fly through the air, crashing into whatever make believe dinosaur was in it's way and had all the crazy people that were on the train fly out screaming "ahhhhh!!" ...yeah, not recently.
So, while I think nothing of doing stupid things to make Carter smile... I'm going to attempt, constructively, with conscious awareness, to do the same with the older kiddo's who deserve and need my attention and stupidity as well. ...how else will they grow up and realize they need to rebel from their mom and act appropriate?? (kidding, kidding).
While I feel badly and I hold guilt, another thing on my mind is that I will likely update Carter's blog moreso than Joel and Kaeden's blogs. I feel like the first year goes SO fast that documenting anything and everything is SO important (because when he's 20 he'll want to know the exact date that he first rolled over or sat up, right?). So... yeah, momma guilt. Isn't it lovely? Haven't had that yet (shocks my friends... but I feel like parenting, without the death of ones self or any others, three children within a year of one another, was enough "success" to last at least five years without parental guilt... no??)
That being said... the natives are getting restless (or is that wrestle-less... if only). Til next time...
When Joel and Kaeden were babies there wasn't a moment I wasn't fawning all over them... trying anything and everything to make them smile... to increase our bond, and I believe I achieved this (just ask my "they scream for you everytime you leave" poor husband). And... now with the addition of yet another "blue squad" baby... I'm off doing the same, bonding and being a goof. And it hit me this morning.... in the midst of the cries to God Almighty "Why, why me?!" (dealing with a lot of challenging testing behavior with the big boys) I thought... when was the last time you made a fool of yourself with Joel and/or Kaeden? When was the last time I got onto the ground and made MY dinosaur train fly through the air, crashing into whatever make believe dinosaur was in it's way and had all the crazy people that were on the train fly out screaming "ahhhhh!!" ...yeah, not recently.
So, while I think nothing of doing stupid things to make Carter smile... I'm going to attempt, constructively, with conscious awareness, to do the same with the older kiddo's who deserve and need my attention and stupidity as well. ...how else will they grow up and realize they need to rebel from their mom and act appropriate?? (kidding, kidding).
While I feel badly and I hold guilt, another thing on my mind is that I will likely update Carter's blog moreso than Joel and Kaeden's blogs. I feel like the first year goes SO fast that documenting anything and everything is SO important (because when he's 20 he'll want to know the exact date that he first rolled over or sat up, right?). So... yeah, momma guilt. Isn't it lovely? Haven't had that yet (shocks my friends... but I feel like parenting, without the death of ones self or any others, three children within a year of one another, was enough "success" to last at least five years without parental guilt... no??)
That being said... the natives are getting restless (or is that wrestle-less... if only). Til next time...
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